About the Author 

Saint John Chrysostom (c. 347 – 407) grew up in Roman Antioch. He trained to be a lawyer, training with a great pagan rhetorician, but as he grew John became drawn to God. He became a hermit, committing the entire Bible to memory. When he left the wilderness he ascended the ranks of the Church, eventually becoming the Archbishop of Constantinople. Political faction would send John into exile in his final years, but not before he had earned the nickname Chrysostom, Golden Mouth. Christians and pagans were drawn to John’s beautiful, careful expositions of the faith. In this slightly modernized passage from his discussion of the Epistle of Saint Paul to the Ephesians, verses 5:22-24, we can learn about marriage – and also see where Saint John Chrysostom got his nickname.

Saint John Chrysostom on a Happy Marriage

A certain wise man, setting down a number of things in the rank of blessings, set down this also in the rank of a blessing, “A wife agreeing with her husband.” Sirach 25:1

And elsewhere again he sets it down among blessings, that a woman should dwell in harmony with her husband. Sirach 40:23 And indeed from the beginning, God appears to have made special provision for this union; and speaking of the two as one, He said thus, “Male and female created He them” Genesis 1:27; and again, “There is neither male nor female.” Galatians 3:28 For there is no relationship between man and man so close as that between man and wife, if they be joined together as they should be. And therefore a certain blessed man too, when he would express surpassing love, and was mourning for one that was dear to him, and of one soul with him, did not mention father, nor mother, nor child, nor brother, nor friend, but what? “Your love to me was wonderful,” says he, “passing the love of women.” 2 Samuel 1:26 For indeed, in very deed, this love is more despotic than any despotism: for others indeed may be strong, but this passion is not only strong, but unfading. For there is a certain love deeply seated in our nature, which unnoticed by us knits together these bodies of ours. So even from the very beginning woman sprang from man, and afterwards from man and woman sprang both man and woman. Do you see the close bond and connection? And how God didn’t allow a different kind of nature to enter in from outside? Take note how many providential arrangements He made. He permitted the man to marry his own sister; or rather not his sister, but his daughter; nay, nor yet his daughter, but something more than his daughter, even his own flesh. And thus the whole He framed from one beginning, gathering all together, like stones in a building, into one. For neither on the one hand did He form her from something external, and this was so that the man might not feel towards her as towards an alien; nor again did He confine marriage to her, that she might not, by contracting herself, and making all center in herself, be cut off from the rest. Thus as in the case of plants, the best sorts have but a single stem, and spread out into a number of branches; (since were all confined to the root alone, all would be to no purpose, whereas again had it a number of roots, the tree would be no longer worthy of admiration) so, I say, is the case here also. From one, namely Adam, He made the whole race to spring, preventing them by the strongest necessity from being ever torn asunder, or separated; and afterwards, making it more restricted, He no longer allowed sisters and daughters to be wives, lest we should on the other hand contract our love to one point, and thus in another manner be cut off from one another. Hence Christ said, “He which made them from the beginning, made them male and female.” Matthew 19:4

For great evils are hence produced, and great benefits, both to families and to states. For there is nothing which so welds our life together as the love of man and wife. For this many will lay aside even their arms, for this they will give up life itself. And Paul would never without a reason and without an object have spent so much effort on this subject, as when he says here, “Wives, be in subjection unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” And why so? Because when they are in harmony, the children are well brought up, and the household servants are in good order, and neighbors, and friends, and relations enjoy the fragrance. But if it be otherwise, all is turned upside down, and thrown into confusion. And just as when the generals of an army are at peace one with another, all things are in due rank, whereas on the other hand, if they are at variance, everything is turned upside down; so, I say, is it also here. Wherefore, says he, “Wives, be in subjection unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”

Yet how strange! For why is then is it said elsewhere, “If one bid not farewell both to wife and to husband, he cannot follow me”? Luke 14:26 For if it is their duty to be in subjection “as unto the Lord,” how says He that they must depart from them for the Lord’s sake? Yet their duty indeed it is, their bounden duty. But the word “as” is not necessarily and universally expressive of exact equality. He either means this, “‘as’ knowing that you are servants to the Lord”; (which, by the way, is what he says elsewhere, that, even though they do it not for the husband’s sake, yet must they primarily for the Lord’s sake;) or else he means, “when you obey your husband, do so as serving the Lord.” For if he who resists these external authorities, those of governments, I mean, “withstands the ordinance of God” Romans 13:2, much more does she who submits not herself to her husband. Such was God’s will from the beginning.

Let us take as our fundamental position then that the husband occupies the place of the “head,” and the wife the place of the “body.”

Ver. 23, 24. Then, he proceeds with arguments and says that “the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the Church, being Himself the Saviour of the body. But as the Church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their husbands in everything.”

Then after saying, “The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is of the Church,” he further adds, “and He is the Saviour of the body.” For indeed the head is the saving health of the body. He had already laid down beforehand for man and wife, the ground and provision of their love, assigning to each their proper place, to the one that of authority and forethought, to the other that of submission. As then “the Church,” that is, both husbands and wives, “is subject unto Christ, so also ye wives submit yourselves to your husbands, as unto God.”

Ver. 25. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church.”

You have heard how great the submission; you have extolled and marvelled at Paul, how, like an admirable and spiritual man, he welds together our whole life. You did well. But now hear what he also requires at your hands; for again he employs the same example.

“Husbands,” says he, “love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church.”

You have seen the measure of obedience, hear also the measure of love. Would you have your wife obedient unto you, as the Church is to Christ? Take then yourself the same provident care for her, as Christ takes for the Church. Yes, even if it is necessary for you to give your life for her, yea, and to be cut into pieces ten thousand times, yes, and to endure and undergo any suffering whatever — don’t refuse. Though you should undergo all this, yet will you not, no, not even then, have done anything like Christ. For you indeed are doing it for one to whom you are already knit; but He for one who turned her back on Him and hated Him. In the same way then as He laid at His feet her who turned her back on Him, who hated, and spurned, and disdained Him, not by menaces, nor by violence, nor by terror, nor by anything else of the kind, but by his unwearied affection; so also should you behave yourself toward your wife. Yes, even though you see her looking down upon you, and disdaining, and scorning you, yet by your great thoughtfulness for her, by affection, by kindness, you will be able to lay her at your feet. For there is nothing more powerful to sway than these bonds, and especially for husband and wife. A servant, indeed, one might be able, perhaps, to constrain by fear; but no not even him, for he will soon sneak away and be gone. But the partner of one’s life, the mother of one’s children, the foundation of one’s every joy, one ought never to chain down by fear and menaces, but with love and good temper. For what sort of union is that, where the wife trembles at her husband? And what sort of pleasure will the husband himself enjoy, if he dwells with his wife as with a slave, and not as with a free-woman? Yes, though you should suffer anything on her account, do not upbraid her; for neither did Christ do this.

Ver. 26. “And gave Himself up,” he says, “for it, that He might sanctify and cleanse it.”

So then she was unclean! So then she had blemishes, so then she was unsightly, so then she was worthless! Whatsoever kind of wife you shall take, yet shall you never take such a bride as the Church, when Christ took her, nor one so far removed from you as the Church was from Christ. And yet for all that, He did not abhor her, nor loathe her for her surpassing deformity. Would you hear her deformity described? Here’s what Paul says, “For you were once darkness.” Ephesians 5:8 Did you see the blackness of her hue? What blacker than darkness? But look again at her boldness, “living,” says he, “in malice and envy.” Titus 3:3 Look again at her impurity; “disobedient, foolish.” But what am I saying? She was both foolish, and of an evil tongue; and yet notwithstanding, though so many were her blemishes, yet did He give Himself up for her in her deformity, as for one in the bloom of youth, as for one dearly beloved, as for one of wonderful beauty. And it was in admiration of this that Paul said, For scarcely for a righteous man will one die Romans 5:7; and again, “in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 And though such as this, He took her, He arrayed her in beauty, and washed her, and refused not even this, to give Himself for her.

Ver. 26, 27. “That He might sanctify it having cleansed it,” he proceeds, “by the washing of water with the word; that He might present the Church to Himself a glorious Church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish.”

“By the washing or laver” He washes her uncleanness. “By the word,” says he. What word? “In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.” Matthew 28:19 And not simply has He adorned her, but has made her “glorious, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing.” Let us then also seek after this beauty ourselves, and we shall be able to create it. Don’t turn to your wife for things which she is not able to possess. Do you see that the Church had all things at her Lord’s hands? By Him was made glorious, by Him was made pure, by Him made without blemish? Turn not your back on your wife because of her deformity. Hear the Scripture that says, “The bee is little among such as fly, but her fruit is the chief of sweet things.” Sirach 11:3 She is of God’s fashioning. You reproach not her, but Him that made her; what can the woman do? Praise her not for her beauty. Praise and hatred and love based on personal beauty belong to unchastened souls. Seek beauty of the soul. Imitate the Bridegroom of the Church. Outward beauty is full of conceit and great license, and throws men into jealousy, and the source of jealousy. But has it any pleasure? For the first or second month, perhaps, or at most for the year: but then no longer; the admiration by familiarity wastes away. Meanwhile the evils which arose from the beauty still abide, the pride, the folly, the contemptuousness. Whereas in one who is not such, there is nothing of this kind. But the love having begun on just grounds, still continues ardent, since its object is beauty of soul, and not of body.

What better, tell me, than heaven? What better than the stars? Tell me of what body you will, yet is there none so fair. Tell me of what eyes you will, yet are there none so sparkling. When these were created, the very Angels gazed with wonder, and we gaze with wonder now; yet not in the same degree as at first. Such is familiarity; things do not strike us in the same degree.

How much more in the case of a wife! And if moreover disease come too, all is at once fled. Let us seek in a wife affectionateness, modest-mindedness, gentleness; these are the characteristics of beauty. But loveliness of person let us not seek, nor reproach her upon these points, over which she has no power, nay, rather, let us not reproach at all, (it were rudeness,) nor let us be impatient, nor sullen. Don’t you see how many, after living with beautiful wives, have ended their lives pitiably, and how many, who have lived with those of no great beauty, have run on to extreme old age with great enjoyment. Let us wipe off the “spot” that is within, let us smooth the “wrinkles” that are within, let us do away the “blemishes” that are on the soul. Such is the beauty God requires. Let us make her fair in God’s sight, not in our own.

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Ver. 28 – 9. “Even so ought husbands to love their own wives,” says he, “as their own bodies. For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it.”

That is, tends it with exceeding care. And how is she his flesh? Hearken; “This now is bone of my bones,” says Adam, “and flesh of my flesh.” Genesis 2:23 For she is made of matter taken from us. And not only so, but also, “they shall be,” says God, “one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

“Even as Christ also the Church.” Here he returns to the former example.

Ver. 30. “Because we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.”

Ver. 31. “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

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Ver. 32. “This is great mystery: but I speak in regard of Christ and of the Church.”

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Now why did he not say of the wife also, She shall be joined unto her husband? Why, I say, is this? Because he was speaking about love, and was speaking to the husband. For to her indeed he speaks of reverence, and says, “the husband is the head of the wife” Ephesians 5:23, and again, “Christ is the Head of the Church.” Now to him he speaks about  love, and commits to him this province of love, and declares to him that which pertains to love, thus binding him and cementing him to her. For the man that leaves his father for the sake of his wife, and then again, leaves this very wife herself and abandons her, what can he deserve?

Do you see not how great a share of honor God would have her enjoy, in that he has taken you away from your father, and has linked you to her? What then, a man may say, if we do what we’re supposed to do and yet she does not follow the example? “Yet if the unbelieving departs, let him depart; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases.” 1 Corinthians 7:15

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 “A man shall leave,” he says, “his father and mother.” Now then this is from without. But he does not say, and “shall dwell with,” but “shall cleave unto,” thus showing the closeness of the union, and the fervent love. No, he is not content with this, but further by what he adds, he explains the subjection in such a way as that the two appear no longer two. He does not say, “one spirit,” he does not say, “one soul” … but so as to be “one flesh.” She is a second authority, possessing indeed an authority, and a considerable equality of dignity; but at the same time the husband has somewhat of superiority. In this consists most chiefly the well-being of the house. For he took that former argument, the example of Christ, to show that we ought not only to love, but also to govern; “that she may be,” says he, “holy and without blemish.” But the word “flesh” has reference to love— and the word “shall cleave” has in like manner reference to love. For if you shall make her “holy and without blemish,” everything else will follow. Seek the things which are of God, and those which are of man will follow readily enough. Govern your wife, and thus will the whole house be in harmony. Hear what Paul says. “And if they would learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home.” 1 Corinthians 14:35 If we thus regulate our own houses, we shall be also fit for the management of the Church. For indeed a house is a little Church. Thus it is possible for us by becoming good husbands and wives, to surpass all others.

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Let your prayers be common. Let each go to Church; and let the husband ask his wife at home, and she again ask her husband, the account of the things which were said and read there. If any poverty should overtake you, cite the case of those holy men, Paul and Peter, who were more honored than any kings or rich men; and yet how they spent their lives, in hunger and in thirst. Teach her that there is nothing in life that is to be feared, save only offending against God. If any man is married like this, with these views, he will be but little inferior to monks; the married but little below the unmarried.

If you have a mind to give dinners, and to make entertainments, let there be nothing immodest, nothing disorderly. If you should find any poor saint able to bless your house, able only just by setting his foot in it to bring in the whole blessing of God, invite him.

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And again, never call her simply by her name, but with terms of endearment, with honor, with much love. Honor her, and she will not need honor from others; she will not want the glory that comes from others, if she enjoys that which comes from you. Prefer her before all, on every account, both for her beauty and her discernment, and praise her. You will thus persuade her to give heed to none that are without, but to scorn all the world except yourself. Teach her the fear of God, and all good things will flow from this as from a fountain, and the house will be full of ten thousand blessings. If we seek the things that are incorruptible, these corruptible things will follow. “For,” says He, “seek first His kingdom, and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33 What sort of persons, think you, must the children of such parents be? What the servants of such masters? What all others who come near them? Will not they too eventually be loaded with blessings out of number? For generally the servants also have their characters formed after their master’s, and are fashioned after their humors, love the same objects, which they have been taught to love, speak the same language, and engage with them in the same pursuits. If thus we regulate ourselves, and attentively study the Scriptures, in most things we shall derive instruction from them. And thus shall be able to please God, and to pass through the whole of the present life virtuously, and to attain those blessings which are promised to those that love Him, of which God grant that we may all be counted worthy, through the grace and lovingkindness of our Lord Jesus Christ, with Whom, together with the Holy Ghost, be unto the Father, glory, power, and honor, now, and ever, through all ages. Amen.

(Adapted from the translation by Gross Alexander)